New Definitions for a New Way of Thinking

The way we define our world actually creates our world. Our words and concepts are incredibly powerful and you and I must become conscious of how we use them to create realty.

John Wheeler, the Princeton physicist famous for his work with the sub atomic nature of the universe, said in 1973, I think that through our own act of consciously choosing and posing questions about the universe we bring about what we see taking place around us.

Remember the Tonal from the Yaqui Indians? Our definitions of 'how it is' create the boundaries of the Tonal, our quite limited view of reality. When our definitions are open ended, they allow us to explore beyond our consensual Tonal out into the Nagual.

I want you to know how I use words to create a new way of thinking about old, limited ideas. Here are some of the 're-definitions' that I use frequently in this book and in my life to help jog myself (and Anonymous) into looking at the 'truth' with new, fresh eyes:

PEACE

A sense of harmony and 'rightness' with ones environment.

Differs markedly from the two old definitions of peace:

• Old Definition #1: Peace is an interim between wars. Peace is the opportunity to heal the wounded, bury the dead and sharpen our swords so we'll be ready for the next battle when it inevitably comes. (Obviously, this isn't 'peace' at all; its just a lull in the cycles of the old war games. However, most governments define peace this way.)

• Old Definition #2: Peace is some kind of blissful, mellow state which we may get to 'someday'. Its characterized by the words 'nice' and 'someday.' We'll never get to it. Why? Because thats not who we human beings are. We're not always nice and mellow, we don't always agree, we do have conflicts. that has to be factored into our definition of peaceful or we'll just dream and wish our lives away trying to achieve some unattainable goal and keep killing each other because those 'others' aren't fitting into our fantasy of what peace is supposed to look like. In fact, if we could achieve this mellow definition of peace where we're all just hanging around in the hot tub of life being oh-so-nice and always agreeing on everything, I think we would all go nuts very quickly.

Humans need passion and challenge in their lives and any workable definition of peace must honor that fact. Real peace is an active, alive process. Its a verb, not a noun. It encompasses the inner feeling that you are just where you're supposed to be, doing what you were destined to do, in harmony with your planet.

Peace, the action - oriented verb, is happening when you and those around you are dealing with one another with respect, integrity and a sense of shared creativity. This can happen when you're meditating together or disagreeing in the midst of a heated meeting.

Note: This new definition of peace does not demand that you be necessarily quiet or 'nice' or unconfused. In fact, this new, alive peace-full-ness can exist right in the midst of a conflict where you and your conflicted partner(s) may be yelling at each other. The difference is that, as you allow yourself to be immersed in the conflict, you also acknowledge 'your truth' as relative and acknowledge the conflict as a productive process leading toward the best outcome for all and towards increased intimacy. To be peaceful in a conflict is to allow the energy of the conflict to take you and your partners to a greater understanding of your relationship.

CONFLICT

An opportunity for intimacy. An eruption of energy characterized by a deep feeling of hurt, resentment, loss, fear and a challenge to ones self esteem. It is usually also characterized by the appearance of surface issues and demands that can be argued about (presenting problems) so that the deeper feelings (sourcing conflicts) wont have to be felt. (It never works!)

Conflict, when handled appropriately, can be a catalyst for increased awareness of ourselves and our connections to one another. It can be the crack in the hard shell of our persona that allows us to begin a journey to the center of our self.

POSITION

A strongly held belief, opinion or attitude as to 'how it is' or 'how it should be.' An addiction to viewing a situation from only one angle. an expectation that there is only one way, one right outcome, one correct solution. A belief that truth is absolute and that you are the holder of that truth.

TRUTH

The way it is from your perspective and experience. Imagine that 'THE' truth is inside a large box with several holes in it. 'Your Truth' is how you see this truth through one of the holes in the box. Other holes may yield different angles and different views of the same 'truth.'

SOURCING CONFLICT

What you're really in conflict about. The underlying source of the dispute. The hurt and/or resentment and/or fear that is too real and/or terrifying and/or 'wrong' to admit to. Sourcing conflicts are usually related to issues of self esteem, abandonment, unworthiness, guilt, psychological security, sexuality or failure. Sourcing conflicts almost always are related to issues about intimacy and are usually rooted in childhood.

PRESENTING PROBLEM

The surface issues and disagreement in a conflict situation that mask the 'sourcing conflict' which must be dealt with for real resolution to occur. Typically, whatever you are arguing about in a prolonged conflict is a presenting problem. We invent presenting problems immediately to shield ourselves from addressing the real, and usually very threatening, sourcing conflict.

WIN/WIN

A solution that meets the needs (not necessarily 'wants') of all concerned. An outcome that allows each person involved to feel that they were listened to, respected and included as a equal partner in the decision. Win/win is an outcome of approaching a conflict as a 'shared opportunity for growth' as an 'interdependent challenge requiring co - creating and team work.' Win/win happens when all parties are willing to embark on a journey of exploration beyond the 'presenting problem' all the way to the discovery of the 'real conflict.'

PRESENTING PROBLEMS / SOURCE CONFLICTS

When you hear someone who must blame (who can i sue; she's at fault, if it wasn't for them, etc.) or play victim (I can't do it; it's not worth it; I'll never get it right) or project (she's the angry one, not me; when they stop being so stupid I'll listen to them; you can't trust a _, etc.)... then stop and ask yourself 'what is the source conflict that lies underneath the presenting problems?'	When people begin to take responsibility for their own feelings and actions and see their own part in the 'dance of conflict' (when they move beyond 'blame') then they can discover the deeper source conflict that the presenting problem is masking. Below are some Source Conflicts which are only 'possibly connected' to the Presenting Problems opposite them. there are many possibilities.
Presenting Problems	Source Conflicts
(the conflicts we think we're fighting about.)	(the deeper conflicts that must be addressed.)
Theres never enough money., she/he always wants more. I'm sick of being responsible for everything.	I only feel loved for what I can do, not what I am. i don't want to earn someones love.
She/He doesn't care about me anymore.	I never feel really listened to; never really valued.
My opinion doesn't count around here.	There is no trust left in this relationship.
I want custody of the kids.	I'm deeply hurt and if I show it I'll get hurt some more.
I'm so angry that I can't even talk about it.	I feel out of control.
I demand a legal settlement.	I feel like I have no power here.
She/He wants too much from me.	I don't know how to be intimate.

When we only deal with others at the level of the presenting problem, we get stuck in win/lose, right/wrong, good/bad. When we're stuck in presenting problems, then there's never enough to go around and so win/win is not possible. The best we can do is 'compromise.'

Only when we get down to the source conflict can we begin to collaborate about win/win solutions. Here there is enough to go around, and intimacy is possible 'us against the problem' instead of 'me against you.'

SAFE

Not requiring protection. Open and vulnerable due to lack of need for protection. In harmony with one's surroundings; in context with the whole.

SAFE SPACE

A physical and psychological environment wherein everyone in that environment feels safe. A place wherein you and everyone present can explore options and alternatives. An environment wherein 'positions' have been temporarily laid aside and where the exploration of 'win/win' outcomes is possible.

Note, safety in this safe space may not feel like the old definition of safe. In fact, it could feel scary and/or challenging because we are giving ourselves permission to look at and lay aside our positions. Safe spaces feel alive and growth filled. They are places to take risks, to experiment with new ways of thinking and being.